Before the Lord saved me, i struggled with depression, a lot. Actually, i more gave into it than struggled with it. The depression started surfacing when i was about 14 or so. I started cutting myself, i was so miserable and wanted attention, but at the same time wanted a way to express all the pain, hurt, rejection from my peers. I was chained to self conciousness and i wanted to be popular so much, but it never seemed like i was skinny, pretty, or just plan wanted enough to get popular. The summer before freshman year i got into smoking marijuana. It started just on weekends, then progressed. Then, i moved from where i lived for eight years, Knoxville, TN, to Thousand Oaks CA (when i was 15 and a half ish)(i'd gone to youth group w/ a friend once a week, but only for friends, i didnt understand what it meant to follow Jesus.). I hated it, i thought everything was going perfect, i had the 'right' friends, everything just seemed 'great'. Then, when i got here i wanted to escape, i got high as much as i could everyday for about a month. Then following that month, in December of 2007 i went to visit my friends in Knoxville. The 2nd to last night i was there, i spent the night at my best friend Meg's house. Meg and her family were all believers, and more than that, they tried to follow God, they loved Jesus Christ. I felt something in her house that i hadn't felt before. I told Meg i 'wanted to start being good, and livign a 'good' life. I didn't know what that meant and that time. After that night, i went to my other friends' house, and when the activity of getting high came along, i just couldnt. i felt convicted, i didnt know that word or what it meant then, though. Then, on i think what was my last night, my friends put on a movie that was really profane and gross, but at that time, it wouldnt have mattered to me, i watched whatever, basically. But i felt so convicted, like i could not get myself to watch it, so i went in the other room and read some Christian magazines Meg had given me. Then, the next day i got on the plan and went home.

 

So, i got to California, my mom picked me up from the airport, and i was being grumpy and mean to her, and i didn't want to be like that, i was frusterated with myself for being that way. Then, when we were bringing our luggage onto the bustram thing to go to our car, i cried out to Jesus Christ. To myself i said "Jesus, please, rescue me, because i can't do this anymore." I was completely desperate. All done, i could not go on anymore this way. Then, we got to our car and headed to our house. On the way there, i started crying, first because i thought i missed my friends and didn't want to have to leave them again. Then, the crying persisted, and i felt a glowing light inside of me. The way it felt was, what i think, the exact way a lantern turns on, and then if you turn it on more, like, heavier, the light gets brighter and brighter. That is what i felt in my heart. I felt Jesus Christ in my heart, burning in me. I couldn't stop weeping for about a halfhour. My mom asked me to stop because it wasnt normal, then i told her what i felt.

Nothing else, no one else, could have broken the thick chains of depression, people, and selfconciousness i was bound with, except Jesus Christ. From that night, that moment when Jesus burnt inside my heart, i was born again. He blessed me immensly with setting me on fire for Him at that moment. Are there moments when i feel the fire may have faded? yes, but our God is Faithful. and His love endures. I can't express the chains He broke, and how only His power can break them. Especially the thing of selfconciousness, caring what people think. After He saved me, i stopped caking on the makeup, dressing unmodestly, everything, but only because of Him.NONE OF ME, it was all God.

Praise Him.!