well, i had met the lord 18 yrs ago while i was in college. during those years he was working in my life, taking sins and troubles from my life and after my time at school i left and thought i could be a lone wolf with him in my walk on this planet. well that didn't last and soon enough i had begun serving the world and gratifying my own wants, engaging in immoral relationships, using drugs while in the 'rave' scene, spending all time on material possessions and flirting with magic.
then in december 0f '08 he paid me a visit. i was like 'really'?!? he simply wanted me to know he was there and showed me things in my apartment to let me know he was listening to my inner thoughts in the past and wanted me to return to the flock. for weeks he was convicting me of this, that and the other. i was in total awe and wondered 'why now'? time was passing and even though i had not asked for his son to take my sins away and rededicate my life to him, he was gentle and patient and was even blessing me. eventually i couldn't wait to come home from work every night so i could hang out with him. i remember thinking to myself 'if i rededicate my life again, why will this walk last or be different. then eventually everything came to a crescendo and i fell to my knees, asked for him to come back into my life, asked Jesus for that precious gift of forgiveness and to hang out just like the old times we had. then for 2 weeks he began working on things i needed to change in my life and the lord was really moving in my life! so much change and so fast, i felt so privileged to have him fix so many things in my life at once. my guess is because i knew better all along, i think that's why he moved the way he did.
i guess the enemy didn't like this because as i served God in the past he would constantly whisper in my ear how God just possibly couldn't exist. well i knew this was not a truth any more, because of all the things the lord was showing me and telling me. so the enemy had to be a little more proactive in his approach and snuck into a prayer i was in with my lord and the enemy said 'go, now'! i was like really? 'yes, NOW'! well with out any way of discerning what was what, i left in the middle of the night in my car, and i drove for 2 hours thinking i was doing what was asked of me by my father and half way through my drive i realized this was not of God. i was on autopilot, and i know i was arguing with the enemy AND praying to my saviour, yet i have no idea what i was saying but the lord was on my side. he kept me from hitting anyone else on the highway even though i had 'blacked out' for over an hour. well some how i managed to exit off a ramp and all i remember was the feel of hitting the gravel on the shoulder and that's what brought me to and i saw guardrails approaching and thinking 'this is it' and again i blacked out.
apparently my car flew 200 yards, hit the ground, rolled numerous times, hit trees, my air bags didn't deploy AND i wasn't wearing a seatbelt. when all authorities arrived they said i was conscience at the scene, but i don't remember any of it. then i woke in a hospital with an external fixator and thought 'oh yeah'...and i remember praising the lord for not involving any one in my accident. i couldn't tell you how often i was told i should not have survived what i did, with only 3 fractures!!! (check out my picture of the car and tell me that is not a miracle of my father)...
well now i take that whole experience as a blessing. he brought me and my mother back together again, he brought me to a church, he gave me a powerful testimony and gave me what i now believe is a gift of discernment. but in all of my experience i still marvel at the fact that he didn't wait to send some one in my life to bring me back to the flock, but rather showing up in my apartment himself, and deciding then was the time i was to come back home. he truly does not forget or forsake his chosen children!
thank you so much lord. as i finish writing this i am choking up for all the things you are giving me and even if i perished that night i would be with you in paradise, but i believe you said to yourself 'not yet, i want you to do something first...' and so here i walk, almost completely healed, given a chance to renounce of all my sins while on this planet and ready to do what you will for me. i thank you lord, for so much, and i cant wait to see what tomorrow will bring.
and may the good lord bless you who are reading this and one day we will meet, so till then, keep walking his path, do as he asks, and i'll see you all soon.
Billenh
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