At the age of three I watched as a man cut my mother’s throat, killing her.
Afterwards, I began being passed from one place to the next, a week here – two weeks there. At seven a relative adopted me. After two weeks had ended, I stood at the screen door looking for the one that was coming to get me next. When they never showed, I felt abandoned, like no one wanted me any more.
At ten my adopted parents divorced and at twelve my mom kicked me out. Now I was back where I started, staying here a week and there two. I had to drop out of school at the end of my sixth grade year to go work. Eventually the courts found out and told my mom that she was still legally responsible for me until I was twenty-one or married. So at fifteen she made me get married. That lasted about three weeks. Now I was back on the streets, only this time I was pregnant.
I ended up in an UN-wed mother’s home. After I had the baby, I was back out on the streets again. I had four babies; each I gave up for adoption. I knew that life on the street was no place for them. I developed a hard cold attitude – all I wanted was to die.
As much as I tried, I could not get anyone to kill me. Several times someone would put a gun to my head or a knife to me and tell me they were going to kill me. When they saw that it would please me, they ran. Afterwards I would get violently angry because I was still alive.
Finally one night, I decided that no one was going to do it for me. So I picked up a knife and sat down on the edge of my sofa. I remember raising the knife and swinging it toward my stomach.
The next thing I knew, I heard my voice say, as if it were an alarm clock going off, "But I want to know the God that created everything."
Somehow, I was on a pay phone around the corner from my apartment. The man on the phone became so excited saying over and over, "I know Him, I know Him…" I told him that I didn’t think so. I had been around and had lived in places where there seemed to be a religion on every corner. Every one of them thought that their god was it. Some would probably even cut off their right arm to prove it. The only thing that would have proved to me - was that they had one less arm and their god wasn’t it.
He finally convinced me to let a guy come out and talk to me at three in the morning. The guy came out and the first thing he thought was, "God – why did you wake me up at three in the morning to get me killed?" He actually burned rubber out of my parking lot.
The man on the phone had given me his number; his name was Jim Darling. I called him back and said, "See – I told you that was going to be a total waste of time."
I explained to him that I had my knife and a bible. I was going to go back to my apartment; I would place the knife on one side and the bible on the other. If God – the God that created everything wanted to know me, He would come and introduce Himself to me. He wouldn’t need some Baptist schoolboy in a tie to do it. I told him that if God didn’t want to know me - my mind would snap and I would be able to pick up the knife and slice myself up.
There was no sense in me living hell on earth and then dying and going to hell, I might as well just go ahead and get it over with. I remember hearing Jim go, "But… but… but…" as I hung up.
I did exactly what I told him I was going to do. I sat down and I remember crying for the first time in twenty-three years, I cried so hard I could hardly see. I would look at the bible and say "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God." Then I would look at the knife and say, "Oh God – I’m going to hell."
I awoke the next morning face down on the floor, I sat up and looked around and thought, "GREAT…I’m still alive and I don’t know God." I finally got up and went to the kitchen and leaning against the counter, I didn’t know what to think.
My dog that I had at the time started running around the front door, having to go out. I didn’t want to open the door. I knew that if I did I would have to face the fact that I was still alive and did not know God. Finally I gave in.
When I opened the door I saw something that I had never seen before, there was a tree right there. The leaves glistened so sweetly and the sweetest sound I ever heard - a bird chirping. I looked and saw the sky; it was so breath taking that to this day it takes my breath just thinking of it.
A warm gentle breeze blew, it seem to blow right through me.
As I stood there observing all this just over my shoulder I heard a voice so gentle, it sounded like rippling waters, say "I’m here." I just sat right down in the doorway and melted.
The God of creation, the one that had created everything, came to introduce Himself to me.
I must say that life has not always been that easy. But since that day He has always been there.
He has had to show me things, I guess what you would call growing me up. I’ve learned a lot, with still a lot to learn. But one thing’s for sure; He has never left me, nor forsaken me. I’ve always had food to eat, a place to sleep, and clothes to wear.
My worst enemy now - is a hundred times better then any friend I had back then.
People may look at where I am and may think I need more. But God has always taken care of me.
He has provided me with much more than this world could ever offer.
He gave me Himself.
He’s the greatest and I will always praise Him.
Sincere Blessings,
Rikki Lee
A servant to the King!
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