Well I was raised in a Catholic church, but I absolutely despised going. My family never talked to me about God or had told me what Jesus did for me on the cross. I never even knew who Jesus was until just about 5 years ago. My dad died when I was 12 years old and I remember taking off and being by myself and crying out to God about why he taken my father. I then decided I was mad at Him for doing that and I no longer believed in him. So I considered myself an athiest all throughout my teenage years, got involved with a bad crowd, did drugs and alcohol, moved out of my mom's house, dropped out of college and got pregnant at the age of 20. Everything started changing for me when I got pregnant. My family had rejected me, and so had my friends and I had nowhere to turn....except to God. It was when my daughter was a little over a year old, that I was finally so tired of the life that I was living, of being treated the way my boyfriend was treating me, that I was watching a christian TV show, and I really felt God speaking to me through it, and at the end it talked about giving your life to Jesus Christ and accepting him as your Savior. I knew in my heart that the only thing missing was Jesus and He was all I needed. I had such an incredible hunger soon after for the Bible, and it was the weirdest feeling for me cause I never had before, but I just had to go out and buy one. The first scripture that really spoke to me was John 14:27, where Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid." I knew Jesus was with me and I had nothing to be afraid of. I wrote this poem just last year that really sums up my testimony, in the form of a poem:
Always prided myself in being self reliant
I didn’t need anybody
being hateful and bitter became a part of who I was
just take care of yourself became my motto
my past haunted me
shattering my heart beyond repair
drugs and alcohol became more important
than food or sleep
trying to just survive
became an everyday thing
trying to fill that emptiness in my heart
with things from this world
became an hour to hour occurance
trying to find the meaning of my life
was a minute to minute ritual
‘friend’ had no meaning to me
for I didn’t know what a real one was
nor did I care anymore
guys came and went
they used and moved on
‘love’ had no meaning either
for even my family had rejected me
light was no longer in view
darkness was overtaking me
suffocating me, didn’t know which way
was up anymore
I began reaching out in the dark
trying to take ahold of something to
take me out of here
to give me something worth living for
in the darkness, out of the stillness
I heard a soft, gentle voice
calling my name
“My child, fear not, for I am here with you
always, to the end of the age.
I love you, and always have,
oh please, wont you let me into
your heart? I can show you the meaning
of love, of true friendship, and of real life.
Will you let me into your life?
Will you give me control?
I can repair your heart,
And show you what real love is.
I am holding out my hand,
wont you take ahold of it?”
I reached out and took ahold
with all that was in me
“Ok, God, I am giving you my life, my heart,
please, show me this love worth living for.
His love caught me by surprise,
creating a spark inside of me,
slowly melting my hard heart,
and filling me with such an incredible warmth
that it took my breath away
before I knew it,
I was on my knees
crying out
before the God of the universe
who alone could calm the raging storm inside of me
letting go, and giving him control
His love filled that emptiness inside of me
His hope restored me
now I know what a true friend is
for I found one in Jesus
He alone was the one who could set me free
from the burdens and hurts
of my haunting past
now I know what true love is
for I found it in God
He will never leave me nor forsake me
His love is everlasting
He alone replaced my hateful heart
and gave me one of love and compassion
He showed me the light
and gave me a life worth living for
now I can truly say,
He is my first love
and he will be my last love.
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