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Promote and advertise your business, events, music and talents. Posting is Free.
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Chaunna's Comments:
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Posted: 3/5/2010 3:50:05 PM
We are praying for you. Jesus will hold you up and keep you near. Keep welcoming him everyday to your heart. You are going to touch many lifes for Christ. You have an amazing message.
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| Chaunna's Testimony |
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I was adopted when I was 11 months old. When people find out about that, they usually respond with comments such as "Oh you're so lucky", "You're parents must truly feel blessed to have you--since you were chosen", etc....If only that were true. I know their comments are coming from a sincere place, but they don't realize that my life prior to leaving home was anything but happy. In short, the seventeen years I spent at home before I moved out were filled with nothing but abuse (in every facet imaginable). The physical abuse wasn't nearly as bad as the emotional. Every day, I was told that I was worthless and a horrible person. My mother actually asked, "What makes you think anybody would want or love you? We don't want you and that whore (referring to my biological mother) in South Korea didn't want you!" My parents told me every day that I woke up, I should thank them for adopting me because they saved me from a life of prostitution (still not sure where that line of reasoning came from?). My mom would refer to my brother (who is her biological child) as "her" child. Apparently I didn't count. They would beat me, choke me, and once even put a loaded gun to my head.
Fast forward to two weeks after my graduating from high school. I moved from Arizona to South Carolina to get away from my family; to try to start a new life. With that move, I brought with me warped feelings of self-hatred and a depleted self-esteem. I hated who I was and everthing I encompassed. Additionally, a habit I had formed when I was young-- doing things to hurt myself to deal with the pain--had evolved into the horrible habit of cutting. I had even contemplated suicide multiple times, but deep down I knew I would never follow through with it. I wanted to live. I wanted to experience the life God had planned for me.
It's been five years since I've left home. Not too long ago, I completely broke down and told God that I was tired of being strong. I was tired of trying to forget my past. I was tired of it all. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was alright, the depression, anxiety, worry, and fresh cuts on my arm proved otherwise. Ironically, not many people were even aware of the internal struggles I was battling with. Outwardly, I was a well-adjusted, ambitious, intelligent, young woman. Happy, bubbly, and outgoing. I had tons of friends and always a brag worthy guy on my arm. Inside though, always on the inside, I was falling apart. Not many people know of my past and I do my best to keep it that way. That night I broke down, I told God that I was tired of trying to be in control. He could take my life now and do whatever He wanted because if I kept trying to direct it, I wouldn't survive another twenty-two years. Obviously I was failing and I needed Him more than anything. And if He wouldn't help me, would He just be with me so I wouldn't have to cry alone?
Ever since that night, I've been slowly working on my relationship with God. Instead of looking for a miraculous change in my life, I see small blessings like I never have before. I realize now that God may not physically be here, but he works through circumstances and people. Everyday now, I don't pray for Him to make ME happy. Instead, I pray that I remember to love God and other people first. Gradually, I feel my heart and mind starting to change. I no longer have the desire to cut (and I trust God will help me fight the temptation if it arises in the future). Before when I believed in God, but didn't trust Him, my cutting didn't bother me the way it should have. I was perfectly content in my cycle of familiar misery. When I realized my only way to true happiness was through obedience to God, it suddenly held me accountable for my actions. All I want to do now is love others the way God loves me. I'm truly starting to believe that it's all about love. Everything else will fall into place. Even though I've severed communication with my parents, I'm working on the process of forgiving them, but I haven't told them this. I'm trying to grasp the notion that they couldn't help who they were and I still can't help but love them. I know it will be a long, tedious process, but I'm so excited for my futre now instead of fearful. I know through Jesus that my past is forgiven, my present holds meaning, and my future is saved.
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Chaunna's Testimony Info
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Which categories of people did you belonged to before you were saved?
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The Partier, The Abandoned, The Abused, The Intellect, The Musician, A Child
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| Who have been your best examples? |
My brother and Grandpa.
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Church:
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| Prayer requests: |
Please just help me to remain strong and keep ahold of my new found discoveries and hope in Jesus. "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance" Psalm 32:7
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